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I think part of me thought we’d be back together by now. Or I don’t know what I thought.

These last few days have been numbing to me. My heart physically hurts. It’s officially been 2 years apart maybe that’s why it’s been so hard these past few days.

Part of me thinks because I’ve been staying home to avoid the virus my mind has been idle. Idle to drown myself in all the what if’s and the oh how I miss him thoughts.

I never felt like this about anyone else. Never been this deeply drained down by missing someone. It’s always been like this with you, ever since we were young kids in high school.

I text you but you hardly reply. I know you’re terrible on your phone but the other half of me thinks you’ve completely moved on. It hurts, it hurts so bad. I mean that could just be my mind playing tricks on me.

Soon I’ll say something because it pains me to never say anything. To never let someone truly know how you feel. Bottling it up for me is worse. It causes me so much more hurt. At least if I get a straight answer, just maybe it’ll feel better. Or maybe it’ll hurt more. But I’ll eventually get through it. It’s been two years since you and I stopped being together every day. And man was it so easy at first but now this is so hard to be apart from you.

Typically don’t they say men feel the freedom right away and then the regret comes after??? And for women it’s they feel sad right away and then feel better?? Well clearly I’m an outlier because I totally felt freed at first and now I’m miserable and I’m a woman…

Feelings and emotions demand to be felt but I wish I didn’t feel these feelings now.

Hurting Heart

I was doing so good. I wasn’t thinking about you as much. I didn’t care what you were up to.

I don’t know what happened or what flipped the switch back on. It really sucks though if you ask me.

Seeing your sister in law posting pictures of Christmas makes me miss it with you. Seeing her post a picture with a girl I’ve never seen before makes me wonder if she’s your new fling. Good for you if it is but I’d wish you’d just tell me. Maybe it would help me move on more.

It’s been two years and I still bring you up like it was yesterday. We were together for five years, the longest I’ve ever been with someone. You pushed me away two years ago and I never let you back in. And now I’m beginning to think it was the worst decision of my life. One I hope I don’t regret for the rest of my life. Maybe you texting me back is means that you miss me too. But I doubt it. If you did you’d make more of an effort, right?

I never thought that life would be like this. We were inseparable. Even through the time you were in the hospital, which felt like an eternity. When it was only two months. I never thought at twenty-one I would be watching my twenty-one year old boyfriend in pain because he had a stroke. I stuck by your side through it all. I’ll never forget running to get the nurse when you would cry out in pain in ICU. I’ll never forget you telling me, after they let me see you (after your first of many surgeries), seeing you with a tube in your head draining spinal fluid out was one of the hardest things to witness. But you know what kept me going? You telling me that the doctor was talking to you during surgery. And he asked if he had a girlfriend. He had said yes and she’s way better than the last one!

It’s things like those that make all the bad times seem like nothing. I just don’t understand why two years later I’m still here writing about you, thinking about you. I guess cause you were a huge part of my life.

I love you forever and I’ll miss you always. I hope some day I can get past you. But for now, I don’t think I can.

Time Capsule

I’m here looking back at old pictures for the sheer reason of trying to free up some space on my phone. I know I’ve taken a plethora of pictures that easily can be discarded. But it takes a bit to search through the amount I’ve obtained over the last at least nine years.

When looking back on some of those times I had. I really wish I would have lived in the moment more and enjoyed what was going on. I do have memories of what happened and I know I can’t go back and change that now.

I know it’s not New Years but who needs a new year when we just have been going through this pandemic for as long as we have been. I vow to make sure every time I’m really enjoying myself. I’m going to take a second, a minute, whatever I feel will help it stick. I’m going to close my eyes, appreciate where I am, listen to the sounds, absorb the moment. Time is truly fleeting and pictures surly capture that.

Xoxo

Well Then

One of my best friends had to postpone her wedding in May, due to the scare of covid. She rescheduled for the next year around the same time.

As being a bridesmaid we haven’t had a bachelorette party yet for her. But are planning one at the end of October.

Now if all was well in my state, I would say have at it. Let’s go!

But all is not well in our state with covid cases. Not to mention the place we plan to go and stay (a few hours up north) has stopped covid tracing because there are so many cases and can no longer keep up.

As hard as it is to keep postponing your life my take on it is this. I could not put the people I love and care about at risk for one weekend. Knowing that if one of us hadn’t been careful recently they could spread it to the whole group. And then those people could spread it to whom they are around.

I also understand not wanting to put your life on hold but from my point of view it’s not putting your life on hold. It’s taking into consideration the conditions in which you are potentially putting people you love, at risk for. Its consciously thinking that maybe it’s not a good idea now but doesn’t mean it’s never going to be a good idea. I believe I have a more collectivistic approach when it comes to this virus. Where others have a more individualistic approach. Which to each their own.

I know that I’m no doctor and I don’t have all the answers. But what I do know is that, some of the doctors don’t even know to the full extent what this virus could bring.

I guess I’m going to have to decide if it’s a risk I’m willing to take. But watching so many people around me get the virus. It’s further confirming my original thoughts. Now is just not the time.

Xoxo

Thank you for listening

Keep on Living

I don’t know where to start. But I need to get my feelings out somewhere about what’s going on.

My state is high in covid cases and continues to rise daily at alarming rates. Now we are a cold state and we are headed into flu season. So what will that bring upon us.

I don’t know where people thought the virus was mysteriously vanished to. But it did not go away and it’s spreading so fast.

I’m at a loss to be able to understand why people continue to have and go to weddings. How can you feel comfortable holding yourself accountable for all the people you love, to support your one day?! And how do you not worry that anything could happen and for the worst.

Now lately some people’s logic is well you do something risky every day. To that I say, those are choices. We choose to wear a seatbelt or not. We choose to get in our car every day. We do not choose a pandemic. And we surely don’t get to choose who’s lives we put at risk. Or putting them in a position to choose what they think is safest.

Yes anything can happen. Friends and family are important. Seeing them is necessary. But find ways to do so safely. Technology didn’t disappear when the restrictions lifted. Is it the same as being with someone? No never! But is it better than never being able to see someone again? Yes!

Xoxo

More on this later.

Just a random rant

Broken

I guess I thought that these feelings would be gone and it would be easy to move on. But it’s not and it hasn’t been. Its been two years. I still get the same nervous but exciting feeling when I see your name or your picture. Which is probably why you blocked me from everything. I get it now. If you have to block someone out of your life is it because you can’t bare the site of them with someone else because you still care about them.

If thats the case why haven’t you tried to fix what we once had. I mean by gosh we went through together in four years more than some people go through in 10. If you still love me then it wouldn’t be hard to see my pictures, you wouldn’t have me blocked.

Clearly you still care if you respond once in awhile.

I just need to get it through my head you’re an ignorance is bliss type person. You’re really good at not letting things bother you. You let it build up though and then they end up boiling over.

Out of site out of mind, thats how you operate. Which is why I need to stop thinking that anything will ever rejuvenate between us. Because if you would have really wanted that. It could have happened many times but you just didn’t pursue it further. And I can’t be the only one still trying to pick up the broken pieces and fit them together again. I just need a broom and a dust pan so I can sweep away what is left. It won’t get fixed so its better to just put it in the trash and move on.

2020 in a nutshell has been one of the craziest years yet.

First it started off with a war almost breaking out. Then we had a huge wild fire. Coronavirus and killer bees. There have been some other crazy things that have happened this year too, just this past weekend in fact.

Overall I just guess by staying home and being an innocent bystander just watching the world unfold as it has. It’s made me question so many things about human empathy and sympathy. It’s made me question when did the line of something going too far, get erased and people begun stepping over it. Maybe you disagree with me, you think people are acting passionately. To me I feel like more peoples true colors are coming out.

I myself as anyone struggles with change. Has empathy to those who have lost things. But I feel like there have been quite a few instances in the past few months where things or people crossed over the line of unacceptable. There has to be some order. It’s really made me realize that people are slowly and surely getting more and more opinionated. And claim passion when it steps over the line a little too far. It’s become quite baffling what’s acceptable and what’s not. And when the world views it unacceptable, there are always your handful of people who are on the opposite side trying to push their opinion.

 

xoxo

At a Loss

I just really need to vent about this whole virus thing going on.

I feel as though the untied states looks rather sad when it comes to how we’re handling this. We have the media producing fake news or putting out wrong information. We have thousands of people coming out of the woodworks acting as if they’ve been doctors all this time and know exactly what’s going on.

If we’re being honest even the experts don’t fully know what’s going on. They’ve been studying and researching this for the past few months. Trying to find the best things in order to combat the virus. With some great findings but then in comes the media again to talk down on what’s been found.

You know, I knew there was a problem between the two parties. Once our newest president got elected. Now I know he’s caused strife. And I know the other party is doing everything they can to take him down. But I at least thought the sense of a pandemic reaping our country in many different ways. It would bring the two governmental parties together a little bit. Now I’m not saying the people of the world. But I’m saying at least the government. It’s become the battle of the two parties. It’s like a high school soap opera. What type of scandal will there be today. For the sake of the people and our country, figure it out, work together and let’s get through this!

Now don’t get me started on the people.

There’s the protesters who want the economy reopened. Now please tell me one, how protesting is going to help anything at this point and two how is protesting in a big crowd a good idea??? Without proper protective equipment. We shut everything down for this reason right there. The more people together in the same area can cause a higher spreading rate of the virus. Some are protesting they need to get back to work, I get it. Some people live pay check to pay check already as it is. Unemployment is taking forever and trying to call them and actually get through is a whole battle in its own. But then there’s the people protesting because they want a hair cut. Now that is absurd to me. If you’re protesting because you need money or livelihood. I can at least empathize with you because this is taking a tole on those who have less means than others. If you’re protesting because you need a hair cut?? That is entitlement. That is completely backwards. People are losing family members, people cannot afford food or a roof over their head. But you have the audacity to be entitled enough to need a hair cut??

What I really wish is that the media could at least be on the same page for once. Take out the politics and just report the NEWS no biases, so people can at least have the most accurate and balanced information. This is unknown to us all but the last thing we need on top of a pandemic is the country dividing further into two halves. We need to come together and get through this as a whole. Not two parties on opposite sides. We are all going through this together.

I just needed to vent. Agree or disagree. But I needed to at least get my thoughts out.

Xoxo

Rant of the Year

First of all I want to start off by saying this is something I just need to talk my feelings out on.

This virus is throwing me for a loop! There has been a whirlwind of information coming at us from a multitude of different sites.

With the time we are currently in between the media and politics. It’s become harder to tease out the truth from the fake. Some sources have numerous times, where they presented fake or misleading news. Where words are twisted and stories are just completely made up.

With that being said, the information on this virus is crazy. As a whole I feel that the country is divided between the panicked, the misinformed and the ones who don’t care.

The panicked are going out buying every possible item they can to stock up. When the CDC is recommending everyone to just buy enough for thirty days. People are out buying enough supplies to last them months. Leaving other people with nothing because they weren’t the first to stock up.

Then the misinformed, don’t know much about it or have wrong information. They are doing some precautions but might not be too. Not following the news as much or reading from not reputable sources. Which quite frankly I’m not sure what source is most reputable anymore since the media has turned into a political smearing ground.

Then there are those who don’t care. I’m sure everyone cares a little bit. You can’t tell me that after hearing about what’s going on they don’t make it a point to wash their hands a little more often. But they’re going on trips. Flying around the United States because it’s cheap. Or keeping flights to places where the cases are rather high. Since they don’t want to miss out on their life.

The hustle and bustle lifestyle makes it hard to stay put. Those who are social butterflies may not be able to sit at home and watch tv for a day or more on end. I get it.

But here’s my take on it. Anything political completely removed from my whole thought. We have the upper hand. We have data from multiple countries about how the virus spreads and how it spreads exponentially. Yes as of NOW, we are at low numbers. We have had a growing number this past week of cases pop up though. When this all first started there were under 100 cases in the US. And now we approximately have at least 1,300 today at 10:00am. In the span of just a week we were able to watch the cases climb in one state. The number of people infected spread like crazy. Now I know the flu is contagious. I truly get that. But they say that this virus can be in your body incubating but you don’t show any symptoms for anywhere between two and fourteen days. Think about all the people you come in contact with between that time. You may visit a few friends, go to work, maybe hit the mall up. Before you know it, you’re hit with the symptoms and were just around all these people you care about. Now if you’re able bodied, they say that you will be in good shape to recover. Now what about that lady you work with who has a son with cancer or the best friend who’s mother has cancer and is older. Their compromised immune systems will not be able to handle this virus like everyone else. It will cause them to end up in the hospital or worse. But since we have this upper hand and yes I know it’s beginning to happen, the only way we truly can get through this together as a country is close down what isn’t pressing and stay home. Let this run its course because if it continues to spread as it has been we will be out of room to house patients. Granted yes we have tons and tons of hospitals and doctors offices. But we only have so many nurses and doctors. They have families and lives themselves. As were seeing with the other countries their doctors are having to work regardless of being sick or having to work extra long hours at work. We don’t even currently have enough test kits to test everyone here nor do every hospital and doctors office even the means to be able to test. Although I do know that most cases people will just be able to stay home or are urged to do so. Either way I just don’t find it fair that anyone has to live in fear of what’s going on. I just wish it to be over and that everyone stays as safe as we can. Hopefully we can all try our best to keep each other safe for those who are more vulnerable. We all have loved ones we care about.

End rant

Xoxo

Check In

Check on your loved ones. The strong ones, the brave, the weak, the rich and the poor. Check on the people you love to make sure that they aren’t fighting demons alone.

Life can get hard, it can seem like nothing’s going to get better. That’s why we need to as people, to reach out to those we love and care about as much as we can.

You get busy, you lose touch. It does happen. But those few split seconds you message someone could change a million things. Or it might not change anything at all. And since it may not change anything at all, at least to let people know they’re loved and cared about is the best we can do.

Today the world lost an amazing young man, who had tremendous potential. Rest in Paradise. I’m so so sorry this world made you feel like you had no hope left. That this world broke you to the point of hopelessness.

My heart goes out to all of the people who’s lives you’ve touched, myself included. And most importantly goes out to you and your family. Thank you for being such an amazing friend to my cousin all these years. Thank you for making my brother laugh in his first college class. Thank you for just being you.

Your memories will live on in the stories we tell. We love you!

Xoxo