HB2M

Happy birthday to me.

I just want to say that today was extra special. I was so happy to be able to sleep in and not be up early for once on my birthday. Today I wasn’t bound by any plans and it was one of the best feelings in the world.

When I was younger I always loved birthdays and was so excited to wake up and have it be my birthday. Then I got older and still enjoyed them, loved having my friends walk past me and wish me a Happy Birthday in the hallways. Then I got to college and I started hating birthdays, they felt like a chore, always having to try and appease everyone who wants to see me. Doing cake with grandparents and making sure I see this person and it has to be at this time. I started dreading my birthday for the sheer fact that people wanted to see me and there was only so little day in my birthday. To me thats pathetic.

But then this year I had my birthday and I was not bound by any time limits or having to be a certain place at a certain time to see a certain person and it was so refreshing. This has been by far the best birthday of my twenties. As sad as it is I loved the fact that I could choose what I wanted to do for once and that I didn’t have to wait around for anyone or have to be anywhere at a certain time.

I woke up late, one of my best friends and her fiancé brought me coffee over, my grandparents stopped by to drop me off a card, my best friend and I got lunch and drove around, had cake with my family and best friend and now I’m at my boyfriends relaxing. Today was one of the best birthdays I’ve had in a long time and I couldn’t be more thankful since I hate the thought of getting older. At least this year I was able to embrace it, instead of wanting to hide.

Xoxo

Love

When I was younger, I couldn’t wait to be in love. To have someone cherish me and to hold me close when I’m about to lose it. Now that I’m older I’ve found love and lost love.

But something to me never makes sense. How can someone you love be mean to you and not feel bad. Or how you can be constantly crabby toward someone who gives you the world and goes out of their way to always help you out, taking extra time out of their day to run you food or your phone that you left at home. I don’t understand how someone can be mean and not think that it’s actually hurting the other person. When you love someone, you love them, even despite all their “flaws”. You care about them and show them you actually do. Actions speak a lot louder than words, but hurtful words cut deep like a knife to the heart. At what point do you say it’s enough? At what point do you give up?

I always try to think of the 80/20 rule. Is the 80% better than the 20%? But I always find myself thinking of the good things and the bad things and it feels like it always ends up more 50/50 than 80/20.

At this moment in my life I feel hurt by the person who I love most and nothing breaks my heart more than that.

Xoxo

Love or Lack of Love

I will never understand how a man can lay a hand on a women or a woman lay a hand on a man to be abusive.

I will never understand how swear words can replace words of endearment.

I will never understand how some people aren’t fully immersed in their love and want everything for their loved one.

I will never understand how the wrong ones love you and you love the wrong ones back.

I will never understand how for some people it takes eons for them to find the one and others never find the one…

I will never understand my generation for always believing the grass is greener on the other side..

I will never understand love but who does?

Xoxo

Time

I know I’ll never get over this topic but I feel as though the day and age we live in it’s hard to stray away from. We are constantly waiting for the next thing, planning our next move, never waking up and wondering what the day will hold. More like listing off all the things you need to get done; do the laundry, run to the store, work, go here, go there, it just never seems to end. I’ve been working on living in the moment and trying to enjoy that moment, not worrying about making sure I get to x, y, z. To try and not rush away a day of work because of one simple frustration or multiple frustrations built upon one another. I want to embrace change in plans and change in general. Those are hard goals to work on but I know one day I’ll get there. Hopefully soon, because this worrying about the next thing to come is not something I want to do anymore. Some people may read this and think, do it then. Well for those of you ignorant people (sorry to say) but it’s not as easy as that, to change the whole way of thinking by the flip of a switch. Trust me if it was that easy I would have done it by now. But you really have to focus your time and energy on training your brain to do something different than how it was previously wired. It’s a complicated process, the brain is a complex work of art and something that intricate takes time to change.

With that being said, have a good night, morning or afternoon.

Xoxo

Winter

What is it about Winter that people hate? I know growing up it was my favorite season despite the cold, despite the slush. It meant that Christmas would come and that I would be able to make snowmen and snow angels out in the snow and go tubing down hills and make snow forts out of huge mountains of white fluffy stuff.
Then I learned to drive and my love for the snow and Winter went away. I crashed my car (not bad and I walked away fine). I slipped and slid around with my lovely summer balding tires on my rally car. It wasn’t a pleasant experience and my lack of knowledge about cars at the time didn’t help me feel safer in my car. Needless to say my love for Winter was lost and I traded it for my love of fall.

I don’t know what’s different about this year but I love watching the snow fall again. I love how the snow blankets the world and makes it feel different. I love the slow moving cars trying to be cautious. I hate the drivers who think that they’re invincible and nothing can happen to them. I love the cold noses of walking outside and the red rosy cheeks. Something happened to me this year and I fell in love with Winter all over again. And realized that my love for Winter has never went away.
I hate people who complain about the snow and the cold. Its inevitable and you just have to embrace it. Why not love something so beautiful as snow covered roads, roofs and trees.

xoxo

Beginnings

So I started this blog with the intention of writing every day. But I’ve come to find out thats a tall order to fill. Not every day there is something impactful for me to write. Which is why I’m here to say that I’m proud of all the times I do write and that I’m still here keeping up with it. Celebrate the little accomplishments in life, am I right?

Most of the time before I begin writing I have a thought in mind of what the days topic will be. But today my mind is blank, but I want to write. Its almost 10pm where I am, I should be studying but instead I’m here tapping my fingers across the keyboard. College and work can take a lot out of you and not to mention trying to find time to throw in there to relax and detox.

Today was another day of the bookstore life and working with the minions. Nothing is better than having a customer tell you they ripped off their tag of their access code and now its ruined and they want to return it (when they can’t). Or when one of your minions at work screams at you because he wants to go to computer lab but he can’t because its transition time to go into the gym and do club meeting. My patience is constantly tested in so many ways each and every day. I hate the days when the children won’t listen or you have crabby customers. But instead of taking it in a negative manner, I try to look at it all in a positive light–I gain more and more patience every day. I am so thankful for all the opportunities I’m continuously given each day to grow and become the person I am.

Looking back at all the teachers that thought I would fail, this is for you.
Looking at those who told my mom that I was going to grow up and be the worst person ever, this is for you.
To those who told my mom that their preschool wasn’t a good fit for me, this is for you.
To those friends that knocked me down time and time again, being mad at me for no reason, this is for you.
No matter if you hurt me or helped me, I’ve grown because of you. I’m so thankful for all the knowledge I’ve received to make my own opinions and my own choices.

Xoxo

Last first day

So tomorrow is my last first day of what we call rush, with my boss! Rush is the week before school where students come to buy their books. And my boss’ last rush because he plans to retire at the end of spring. And it is one of the most bittersweet feelings ever. I know I’ve had my ups and downs with working there. Sometimes I hated working there, during the off season I would work 1 hour once a week. It was just ridiculous. I quit and then reapplied a year or so later. Thankful I did because all the memories and fun I’ve had there these past few years after being rehired immediately. It was also my first job ever. He was first boss ever. He has grown to be like a work father figure and I will miss him beyond words.

That reminds me I should start looking for a gift I can make for retirement!

There have been so many laughs shared there. I met my first college friend working there and her and I got along so beyond well. We hung out and purposely took the same classes. After a few years we grew apart and lost touch for a bit to reconnect for a split second. To me losing her to up above. Nothing broke me down more than losing touch and losing someone all together. I wish I could have been there to help more.

This job has so many memories and so many thing happen at it that I wouldn’t regret for the world. I’m so thankful that I chose to work there not once but twice. And to be able to experience all that I have and grow close to people I thought I never would.

Here’s to the first last day of rush with my boss! I hope it’s a great one!

Xoxo

Communication

Where did peoples communication skills go? Like seriously. Lately I have come across anyone and everyone that lacks the ability to communicate properly without assuming.

Like today, usually I go over to a friend that’s a boys house once they’re done with work. So I sat here and anticipated going over there, I have to work up the gumption to pull myself to get all my stuff together and brave the cold. Once they were home they let me know and then didn’t respond for over 30 minutes. Ok, fine whatever. Then I message them on another type of device, which they respond more frequently to. Told me he was going to his brothers. Which is totally fine by me! See yah when you get home! Except he says why bother telling you I’m coming home when I won’t be home until way late. Ok, so for 1. Why do people always have to do things on a Friday night, granted we haven’t done much in awhile, but why does drinking always have to be one of the top options. And 2. Thanks for wanting to see me and thanks for telling me you were going to your brothers and just left me hanging.

I seriously need to start living my life for myself more often and stop living under people’s thumb. I need to give myself more credit and the benefit of the doubt. I need to stop letting people choose what I do and do more of what I want to do without having to feel guilty for it.

I just needed to vent again.

Xoxo

Mixed emotions

Posting again because I’m torn with mixed emotions. I haven’t seen my best friend in 3 weeks. I know that’s not long at all, but coming from friends who used to see each other everyday and then hung out or saw each other at least 1-4 times a week. Since life changes and as you get older and busier, it’s inevitable for things to change. Thus for the longest time we still have been hanging out a decent amount. But it’s never been to the extent where we haven’t hung out in three weeks. Also to throw on top of that she had two traumatic things happen to her within a month and a half of each other. Something so dramatic and life-changing. To getting crushed and having your dreams killed. So needless to say best friend therapy is needed. Multiple days of best friend therapy are needed.

With all that being said I know that the holidays are always a busy time for families. But three weeks is a ridiculous amount of time to not see a friend in need. And I can’t say I’m not trying because I am. I’ve asked multiple times to get together or even just run and get Starbucks. We were supposed to do something last week, but she overslept and had a Christmas party to go to and said she would get back to me. But never did. I never held that against her.

Today however I got a little irritated. I messaged her telling her to let me know whenever she wanted to hang out since it’s been three weeks! She replied with she’s been busy because of the holidays and working and going on a vacation. All of this I already knew. And in my head all I could think about was why are you making up excuses? We have the same 24 hours in a day that Beyoncé does. Your girl can definitely text your best friend back or at least let her know when the next time she’ll be able to do something is. Then she kicked it off with a sorry. You don’t need to apologize to me. You don’t need to say sorry for being busy, it’s understandable. Just let me know when you want to hang out. Like I know you’re busy we’re all busy. But in my opinion if you want to make time you’ll make time.

Late night thoughts

Xoxo

Good Morning or was is?

Well it’s January 2nd, and I broke one of my resolutions already! Oops.. but I’m going to still keep working on it! I mean being late to work the first day back of a new year is always great!

I would say the first morning back at work went really well! It was so nice to see all the minions again! Two even brought me presents!!! One brought me an ornament that he made and the other brought me a squishy cat (before Christmas I showed her a video of them, because she absolutely loves cats, so she got one for herself and for me). I love working with kids because their hearts are so big and they put so much trust in you.

But what really drove me nuts this morning was the attitude of someone. I didn’t know someone wasn’t going to be there this morning because of something that had been happening to them. And the person yelled at me as if I was supposed to know that this was going on… ok I’m sure in their mind they weren’t yelling, but I feel like facial expressions tell a lot. And when someone has a disgruntled look on their face and a not so nice tone; I feel like they’re yelling at me.

Well that’s been my morning so far! Can’t wait to see what the rest of the day will hold! Might blog later!

Xoxo