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I think part of me thought we’d be back together by now. Or I don’t know what I thought.

These last few days have been numbing to me. My heart physically hurts. It’s officially been 2 years apart maybe that’s why it’s been so hard these past few days.

Part of me thinks because I’ve been staying home to avoid the virus my mind has been idle. Idle to drown myself in all the what if’s and the oh how I miss him thoughts.

I never felt like this about anyone else. Never been this deeply drained down by missing someone. It’s always been like this with you, ever since we were young kids in high school.

I text you but you hardly reply. I know you’re terrible on your phone but the other half of me thinks you’ve completely moved on. It hurts, it hurts so bad. I mean that could just be my mind playing tricks on me.

Soon I’ll say something because it pains me to never say anything. To never let someone truly know how you feel. Bottling it up for me is worse. It causes me so much more hurt. At least if I get a straight answer, just maybe it’ll feel better. Or maybe it’ll hurt more. But I’ll eventually get through it. It’s been two years since you and I stopped being together every day. And man was it so easy at first but now this is so hard to be apart from you.

Typically don’t they say men feel the freedom right away and then the regret comes after??? And for women it’s they feel sad right away and then feel better?? Well clearly I’m an outlier because I totally felt freed at first and now I’m miserable and I’m a woman…

Feelings and emotions demand to be felt but I wish I didn’t feel these feelings now.

Hurting Heart

I was doing so good. I wasn’t thinking about you as much. I didn’t care what you were up to.

I don’t know what happened or what flipped the switch back on. It really sucks though if you ask me.

Seeing your sister in law posting pictures of Christmas makes me miss it with you. Seeing her post a picture with a girl I’ve never seen before makes me wonder if she’s your new fling. Good for you if it is but I’d wish you’d just tell me. Maybe it would help me move on more.

It’s been two years and I still bring you up like it was yesterday. We were together for five years, the longest I’ve ever been with someone. You pushed me away two years ago and I never let you back in. And now I’m beginning to think it was the worst decision of my life. One I hope I don’t regret for the rest of my life. Maybe you texting me back is means that you miss me too. But I doubt it. If you did you’d make more of an effort, right?

I never thought that life would be like this. We were inseparable. Even through the time you were in the hospital, which felt like an eternity. When it was only two months. I never thought at twenty-one I would be watching my twenty-one year old boyfriend in pain because he had a stroke. I stuck by your side through it all. I’ll never forget running to get the nurse when you would cry out in pain in ICU. I’ll never forget you telling me, after they let me see you (after your first of many surgeries), seeing you with a tube in your head draining spinal fluid out was one of the hardest things to witness. But you know what kept me going? You telling me that the doctor was talking to you during surgery. And he asked if he had a girlfriend. He had said yes and she’s way better than the last one!

It’s things like those that make all the bad times seem like nothing. I just don’t understand why two years later I’m still here writing about you, thinking about you. I guess cause you were a huge part of my life.

I love you forever and I’ll miss you always. I hope some day I can get past you. But for now, I don’t think I can.

Time Capsule

I’m here looking back at old pictures for the sheer reason of trying to free up some space on my phone. I know I’ve taken a plethora of pictures that easily can be discarded. But it takes a bit to search through the amount I’ve obtained over the last at least nine years.

When looking back on some of those times I had. I really wish I would have lived in the moment more and enjoyed what was going on. I do have memories of what happened and I know I can’t go back and change that now.

I know it’s not New Years but who needs a new year when we just have been going through this pandemic for as long as we have been. I vow to make sure every time I’m really enjoying myself. I’m going to take a second, a minute, whatever I feel will help it stick. I’m going to close my eyes, appreciate where I am, listen to the sounds, absorb the moment. Time is truly fleeting and pictures surly capture that.

Xoxo

Broken

I guess I thought that these feelings would be gone and it would be easy to move on. But it’s not and it hasn’t been. Its been two years. I still get the same nervous but exciting feeling when I see your name or your picture. Which is probably why you blocked me from everything. I get it now. If you have to block someone out of your life is it because you can’t bare the site of them with someone else because you still care about them.

If thats the case why haven’t you tried to fix what we once had. I mean by gosh we went through together in four years more than some people go through in 10. If you still love me then it wouldn’t be hard to see my pictures, you wouldn’t have me blocked.

Clearly you still care if you respond once in awhile.

I just need to get it through my head you’re an ignorance is bliss type person. You’re really good at not letting things bother you. You let it build up though and then they end up boiling over.

Out of site out of mind, thats how you operate. Which is why I need to stop thinking that anything will ever rejuvenate between us. Because if you would have really wanted that. It could have happened many times but you just didn’t pursue it further. And I can’t be the only one still trying to pick up the broken pieces and fit them together again. I just need a broom and a dust pan so I can sweep away what is left. It won’t get fixed so its better to just put it in the trash and move on.

Strange Dayz

Now this is coming from someone with a bachelors in psychology.

Recently at work some of the children have been acting out to the point where it’s unsafe to have that child around others. We are an added piece from a company but placed in a school setting. Now our main hub would suspend these types of behaviors immediately. There have been constant fights and children with high aggressive tendencies.

With that being said, I believe that they are going about some of these types of “non trauma” forms of redirecting behavior. This child is being coddled. They have not been suspended, thus the behavior continues.

But without going more and more about that. I just wanted to vent out about what’s going on with the youth today.

Recently at work and it could be the weather too. Since it’s been pretty chilly out and being cooped up inside is never good for children. The kids have been rather tough and disrespectful. To the point where is baffling. Mind I say that I’ve known some of these children since they were 5/6 years old and now their 10/11/12. And I’ve known them through their time of growth. But something happened this year and yes mostly friend choices don’t help make it better. There has been a disgusting amount of talking back and disrespect. Some of the things these children do are so spiteful.

Today a group of boys that I’ve known since they were little, were playing basketball in our small gym. And over the past few months our basketballs have gone missing, so there’s a lock on the balls. So with our limited balls one of the kids came up to me to let me know the boys weren’t letting anyone else play in their game. I approached the boys to get nothing but excuses saying that they wanted to play with just their friends and they didn’t want anyone else to play and it was already even teams. Usually I would say fine whatever if you can live with yourself knowing you didn’t include people and made them feel bad. Then I guess that’s what you have to do. But since we hardly have any basketballs and there’s over 140 children in this rather smallish gym. I told them all to play together. And they didn’t want to but let the kids play. But I did tell them if they just didn’t want to play with other people then don’t play at all.

So after about five minutes of playing with 4 other kids who were finally allowed to play. The original group of boys simultaneously sat down. I was baffled. The kid who came up to me at the start of all this. Just looked at me and shrugged. Neither one of us knew what just happened. Thankfully the kiddo went on and found some other people to play with. But the audacity of those kids to just quit because they didn’t want others to join in. And I know that some may say that’s normal. But it’s not. Not for these boys. They’ve never been like this. Not in all the years that I’ve known them. Something happened this year. Where they just got it in their head. That they think they’re better than everyone. And it breaks my heart.

All in all so much has been going on at work. So many weird things. and this just became a huge rant. That jumps all over the place. I had to get some of this out of my head and into words!

Xoxo

Can’t decide

I can’t for the life of me decide if it’s that I miss you or I miss being with someone.

I miss you sometimes so much it hurts. I still talk about us like we’re together and that we just haven’t seen each other in awhile. You’re name is still in my mouth and it doesn’t come out tasting bitter. When people talk about their loved ones, I talk about you.

It’s been a year and I haven’t been with anyone else.

I don’t know if it’s because I’m stuck on you and forever will be. Or if it’s because I haven’t found anyone worth my time.

Part of me says I miss it, you, because it was easy. And trying to find someone new is uncomfortable.

It’s like I real life have the angel and the devil on my shoulder. Ones saying there will be better, the hopeful one. And the other is saying that he was my better, he is my one. There isn’t anyone else for you but him.

Starting over is no walk in the park. And getting where we were is no easy feat. What we went through in the four years we were together some people don’t even experience in a life time. You had things happen to you that only happen to the elderly. But it happened to you when you were twenty-one. And I know it was one of the hardest things you went through but it was for me too. Watching you go through that, broke my heart, a million times over.

I don’t know where I got lost on this journey, but I think it was when I lost you. I hate admitting that because I know we are people who can choose our own outcomes within reason. But I really feel like I lost myself, when I lost you.

You haven’t found anyone else yet either and that might be a sign. I wish I could just rewind and stop time. Sometimes they say being strong and staying away is the best medicine for any break up. But I stayed away, I stayed far away. And now all I want is to be back curled up in your arms. With you telling me whatever nonsense I was thinking that day was not true. Or that everything’s going to be okay.

I miss the light I had in my eyes. I miss the light that came from you.

I feel so lost sometimes, most of the time actually and I’m stranded with what to do.

Xoxo

Late night thoughts

As the title suggests; late night thoughts, but I suppose not for all it’s very late.

I mean for me really it isn’t either.

But… with the life I’ve been having it seems late to me.

I guess I was just thinking about relationships. Why is it that someone finds their match so easily and readily? And why do some of them take time to find? Or how is it that you’re with someone for so long that once you’re out and you realize they just might not have been the one but, you’ve wasted so many years on them? Why do some find theirs in high school but some never find them, or come to find them later in life? How is that there are some that never find their someone at all?

I almost feel as though sometimes I do envy the olden days where you found someone and that was it. There wasn’t no hey lemme check what this guy has been doing on fb. You found that man and that was that. You didn’t have to see they were hanging out with someone based off of a post on fb that your best friend saw they were hanging out with some other person they know on fb/Instagram/snapchat. Or you wouldn’t find messages for your significant other on the shared tablet or by “checking their messages”. You wouldn’t see that oh wow it’s been an hour since he texted me… “maybe I need to worry” and yes for some people this may be the case, but maybe they’re just busy.

But it can’t help a girl from having a wee bit of envy for those olden times where you found one person and you were smitten. Like my grandparents who met at eighteen or for their grandparents. Or even my aunt and uncle who met when they were eighteen; still together since.

But also maybe I was just hoping for that easy “tell” sign of love. And maybe I irrationalize the idea of love. Possibly sometimes I forget that finding that love takes time or that the person who truly would like to be with you just needs time. And maybe it’s taken me this long to finally be ready and maybe others need a little more.

Sometimes my brain thinks too much. Sometimes I have so many questions that will forever be unanswered. And maybe sometimes you just gotta roll with it and sometimes you may just have to love yourself, in order to find someone by random to be ready to love you too.

Xoxo

Self love

I hate how the world makes you look at yourself.

One day you’re 10, thinking (and may not be true for everyone) that everything is okay. That your stomach doesn’t stick out too much. Or that your smile is crooked. And then you’re 11, 12, 13, 14 and you start to notice flaws more. You’re becoming self aware that maybe your stomach hangs out just a little too much over your waist band. Or how that tooth isn’t coming in as straight as you’d hoped. Or maybe you’re still lucky and you haven’t become aware of these things yet.

And then you get older yet and now you’re really aware. You turn your head one way for a picture and realize it’s not your “best” side. So now from now on you turn your head so that your bad side is angled away from camera. You’re now aware that when you smile a crease forms by your cheek and it doesn’t feel “pretty” enough. So you hide that away too. You’re constantly growing and picking up on new flaws. And some people can brush them off, move on from it as if it doesn’t effect them one bit. Other people see themselves in the mirror and hate their reflection. Others hide behind their camera acting as if they have confidence, but really have none.

It’s sad how this world has become a place of self hate and low self acceptance. Girls showing off, well more of their body then should be allowed. I’m all for self confidence. I’m all for promoting self love. But who ever taught us to prove that we must wear less. Didn’t your mothers ever tell you? Leave something to the imagination…?

The body is a work of art yes, but not every piece of art needs to be viewed by the entire world! Some of the most sacred pieces are hidden away, for only the real artists to discover.

What I need..

What I need is something most people crave. Some find it and some settle for less. Love is an endeavor and a journey. And finding the perfect fit for yourself is like a puzzle, each person may not fit as a corner and maybe they’re more of a middle piece. Each person helps you grow to the person you have always been destined to be.

But one thing I know I’ve always needed is someone who is a motivator, a cheerleader if you must.

Someone who will say, “you got this”. When you feel like you really don’t got it. Someone to cheer you on from the sidelines and push you to get that thing done you’ve been meaning to do. Someone who will fight to help get you to your goals by boosting you up when you need it most.

Sometimes it’s in the person, sometimes it’s in the way they love. But finding your person can be hard and settling for less, is like settling for a lesser you.

Back bone

You tell me to grow a back bone

When mine is paper thin.

From every word you say to me

Is deeply engraved within.

Each word draws it closer

To caving right on in.

It’s the words you say

That break me, from deep within my skin.

Xoxo